Ugh So I haven't posted in a while, not that anyone cares because no one reads this darn thing. But who cares, hahaha. (Okay seriously?) It turns out it wasn't the crazy leprechauns under my bed, but my father who took my laptop charger. I missed my baby so much, I can't stand to live one second without him. (I named him Jose) The best thing happened today, I made a 100 on my chemistry final, which is a first. I guess when I really apply myself i can make good grades, maybe that's what I'll shall start doing. I sort of want to make my parents proud and prove them wrong. they think I'm lazy and good for nothing. My mom is always pushing me to try harder, but if she only knew the harder she pushed the more reluctant I am to doing it. I'm more of a rebel child, I love to bend the rules no matter the cost. I'm not saying i would commit murder or anything in that nature, but I was never meant to be told what to do. Also i'm scared that I won't get accepted into University, like I'm not good enough or they just don't like me. (which is sort of the same thing.) I just wish I had some answers on my future, and I know that could never happen; but it doesn't hurt just to wish.
I've noticed that high school is really turning up for me, I hated last year with a passion; but it seems as if I have a good group of friends that I can depend on. I'm so grateful for that, the feeling of being abandoned and kicked out of a group is not fun what so ever. Don't let anyone lie to you and tell you that's it's their decision to be a loner; because it was somebody out there who abandoned them first. The feeling of helplessness just seems to consume your every thought and you begin to just hate yourself. Myself, I'm not the greatest person in the world. I tend to make cruel remarks to those I despise, but why? What's the point anyway? I guess i just want people to know that I'm a force to be reckon with and that I'm someone you just can push aside. But truthfully i don't want to be like that, I want people to think of me as a nice person. Someone they can come to whenever they have problems, I want to be a role model not a Bitch. A couple of years ago I was the prey and not the predator, I can say that it's not the greatest feeling in the world. I remember crying and praying to god for just one friend that would understand me, someone that didn't have to feel like they were stuck with me. Another thing that bothers me is when people call me annoying, I'm always like seriously I can't help the way I am. I'm just trying to be myself, and if you don't like me you can stop talking to me.
Woah I've been venting, I feel sort of better. As people would say "a weight has been lifted off my chest". I just took a deep breath and now I think everything is going to be okay now. Wait one more thing, what I really yearn for is a boyfriend. All of my friends have had their first kiss and I always hear their make-out stories but I've never been kissed. Sure I've lied and said that i have, but I'm really to afraid to admit that I haven't. I want to have a special connection with a guy, I want someone to hold my hand and walk me to my classes. I want someone that i can hold close and hear their heart beating erratically when they are around me. I don't want to wait until I'm out of high school and finally found someone that totally understood me. I want the HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART, someone I'll remember forever. But yet I'm alone as a third wheel. It makes me wonder if I'm just not pretty enough, or my personality isn't up to pare. I want my first kiss before I'm 30!!!!! Ugh why is life like this, why does it always make you think. You could say that's just the beauty of it. (Actually there is a guy I really like, I'm not going to name names. But I think he thinks of me more as a acquaintance, the girl whose just a little too hyper and sarcastic. I'll never be able to be that girl, the girl that he'll dream about, the girl he'll yearn for all night and day. I'm just me. If only he knew how I truly felt, what I would really say if I was being myself. The real me, would he........ ) I'm in a lost for words.
Au Revoir,
China
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